Best Practices by Lori Barrett

"Since then there’s been a blemish growing in my chest, like one of the knots or bolt holes he admires in barn wood."

collage by Kyle Anderson

BEST PRACTICES

by Lori Barrett

The Board stands next to me on the train. They followed me from the meeting, all five of them, sweating in their wrinkle-resistant jackets and trousers. I find a seat and put in earbuds. One of them peers over my shoulder to see what I queue up on Spotify. Is this the best use of your time, he asks. He mentions a podcast about finance and makes a note in his leather binder.

They’re panting by the third floor of my apartment building. Does your landlord own a vacuum, a guy in a mustard blazer asks. I put a frozen pizza in the oven without preheating. Did you read the directions, the only woman on the board asks. I roll my eyes. I think I can bake a frozen pizza, I say. Martha Stewart said you don’t need to preheat. Martha did time, the woman reminds me. She opens her laptop and enters notes in a spreadsheet.

I plate my pizza. While my cupboard is open mustard-blazer guy points out that my dishes don’t match. I take my pizza to the sofa…